Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
