the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
You were trust falling into bushes
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
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