You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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