You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
