God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
