Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
