Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
