my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Randomize