I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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