i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
