Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize