Don't you send me to vm
So drunk its hurt
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
