I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Randomize
