Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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