my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
This couple is walking their pig around campus
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
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