I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
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