one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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