Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Randomize
