Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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