4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
