Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
