Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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