if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
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