Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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