Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
