fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
