Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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