i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
