I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
