Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
