a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
