all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Houston, we have a squirter
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
