Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
