If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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