Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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