1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Drunk is not a location!
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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