i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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