You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
