Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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