bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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