just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Randomize
