Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
