If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
