and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
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