If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
