Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
