I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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