Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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