um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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