The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
