I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I believe in your delicious
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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