Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
