my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
