How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize