My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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